I would like to share my story as I’ve never spoken to anyone about it.
I’m a 38-year-old woman, but my story starts at the end of 2013. I had just broken up with my long-time partner of 17 years and we had no kids due to him having had a vasectomy. I realised a long time ago I wanted children. I started a new relationship not long after the break-up. Stupidly, I didn’t go on the pill, and even more stupidly I thought I knew my cycle well enough to avoid a pregnancy. How wrong that turned out to be!
On January 10, 2014, I found out I was pregnant. I burst into tears in front of my boyfriend of only three months, and apologised profusely. That night was a horrible haze of going online and researching abortion clinics; somehow the conversation headed straight there.
I knew he didn’t want a child, plus we were planning a wedding for October 2014. Around 9.30 that night we were able to see an after-hours GP. She was lovely, non-judgemental and talked us through the whole process. I needed a blood test to determine how far I was actually along. And the whole down-hill spiral of guilt, shame and hopelessness started, and trying with all my might not to get attached to this little miracle growing inside me. That was the hardest feeling I’ve ever had to ignore.
Even now I am having a hard time writing this so I will start to sign off now, but not before saying this.
I respect every woman’s right to choose to either have a baby or not, but right now, and I’m fairly certain that my opinion won’t change, it was without a doubt the biggest mistake of my life. I always wonder if I had a time machine, when would the exact moment I would go back to and change? Some days I wonder if I will ever forgive myself and ever fully move on with my life, because I haven’t come to terms with my loss.